Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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