He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
