bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
