Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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