The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
