I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
