Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
