he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
