The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
