I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
