I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
