my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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