Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
