Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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