I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
