I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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