I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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