So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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