Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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