First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
