I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
