Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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