Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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