if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
