Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
