Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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