Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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