I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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