Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
