I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
