We named our party play list daddy issues
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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