Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
