Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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