At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
