Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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