my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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