sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
my being single is dangerous.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
