dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
