You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
