I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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