life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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