I'm eating all of the evidence.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
