Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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