i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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