you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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