i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
