I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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