she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
