My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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