i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
