I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
